HAMILTON 1- 1 ABERDEEN
Well, a ringydingdang, and a pingpangpoke!
Our special little boys done gone and got themselves one of them thar draaaaws!
In a game where the boys in red had a chance to beat the supposedly worst team in the league, and guarantee SPL football for another whole season, whoodeefuckingdoo, we conspired to go a goal behind and injure our own goalkeeper in a few seconds of football SO inept that I swear the ghosts of the Keystone Cops were taking notes on how fucking up in spectacular fashion should be done properly.
Now, I know I said 'we' conspired.... but in reality this was all about Zander Diamond, baby.
And here's how he did it.
Finding himself with the football, and with enough time to write a hundred page thesis on 'Shit Defenders Shouldn't Do, Because If They Did They Should Be Fucking Shot' Mr Diamond, allegedly a defender... fuck it.. allegedly a footballer... did exactly what would have been written on page 1 of aforementioned hypothetical thesis.
With all the time in the world, ZD passes the ball straight to Dougie Imrie. Nothing unusual about that, you might think... well, you'd be wrong. Doogie Imrie, you see, is a Hamilton striker. And Zander Diamond is an Aberdeen defender..... are you spotting the thing what Zander did wrong?
That's right.. what Zander did wrong was turn up for fucking work that morning.
Anyway, not happy with simply gifting the ball to Dooooogie Imrie, Zander decides that what will REALLY put the icing on the cake is to smack some cunt in a really vicious manner. So, desperate to make up for the error of 2 seconds earlier, Zander launches himself at a certain Jamie 'Jamie Langfield' Langfield. And to be fair to Zander he caught the fucker a beautiful knee right in the face. You could hear the crack on King Street.
Now the only real problem with this is that Jamie 'Jamie Langfield' Langfield is the Aberdeen keeper. And Zander Diamond is...?
That's right, an Aberdeen defender.
So while Imrie and his fellow Hamiltonians wheel away in celebration, we're left a goal down, with a badly injured goalkeeper, and Zander Diamond unhurt. A triple whammy of bad news.
Still, Derek Young was still on the park, and unhurt so... oh.. a quaduple whammy.
Immediately the crowd start chanting Zander's name in a bid to boost his confidence.
"Diamond! Get ye tae FUCK!" the crowd screams.
Craig Brown, bless the 70 year old man, clutches at his chest and looks as though he's simultaneously having a heart attack, shitting a hedgehog, giving birth to octuplets and remembering that one time he came face to face with a zombie grizzly bear in a broken lift. None of those things appear to have pleased him much. He sinks his heid into his hands and sobs uncontrollably.
The team rallies, though, and they immediately try to string two passes together. It didn't come off of course... Christ, not even close.... but you could tell they were trying.
Actually, that last bit is a lie. Despite going a goal down to their fellow relegation candidates, this magnificent Aberdeen team increased their work rate not one fucking iota. In fact they noticeably slowed down. Terrified of the ball, and even more terrified of the consequences of doing something with it, the Aberdeen players immediately began trying to run as far away from the ball as they possibly could. Waves of Hamilton attacks now commenced, thwarted only by the fact that Hamilton... and let's be completely fair to them... are absolute fucking shite. That they scored even one, gifted to them though it was, is something miraculous on a par with the resurrection of Jesus Christ as a tap dancing armadillo.
Ordinarily a team as bad as Hamilton would sit back and defend this precious one goal lead, but Hamilton were aware that this was Aberdeen they were playing, not a proper football team. Jerel Ifil may have gone, but Zander Diamond remains.... and let's be frank, a team of blind quadriplegics would fancy their chances against a side with Zander Diamond in it.
Watching Hamilton batter ineptly at an Aberdeen side so bad that only a team as bad as Hamilton could fail to find the net a second time... it was a lot like watching a really stupid dog trying to find a way past a hedgehog's spikes so it can bite the fucker. The antagonist doesn't know what the fuck it's doing, and the 'victim' is too scared to do anything other than curl up into a ball and hope for the best.
In a last desperate gamble, Brown threw on a striker. A black man with the VERY unimaginative name of Blackman....
...mind you it would be fucking funny if EVERY Aberdeen player was named after their most obvious trait.
The black man would be Blackman, Derek Young Would be Derek Yung... oh... and Zander Diamond would be Alexander Shite.
Anyway, within one femtosecond of being on the park Blackman has the ball in the net, has almost set up another, hits the woodwork, delivered three babies in the Merkland Road Stand and single-handedly saved the match and Aberdeen's SPL status.
Immediately after the game Brown congratulated Blackman by telling him to fuck off back to England.
I bet you think I'm joking.
But I'm not.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/scot_prem/9464479.stm
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